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| today was amazing!!! ok well health...disgusting organ pics...and world civ...silent aloneness working..but after that i was overly happy. *dances in chair to music* serously, i'm like bursting into joyful spaz attacks every five minutes. ehehe. I <3 <3 <3 this song!!
Spanish was fun. I showed mitch my schedule...with all of my honors classes that i'm aceing. we're still in two classes together. he's going to be a teacher aide in spanish instead of a student, but i have a feeling he'll keep his desk in front of me. It's like taking spanish with more tech support and less stress. we also still have tech together. i tried to pretend i wasnt AMAZINGLY EXCITED about it like i am...i've still got my heart in chains. he's taking welding classes though...
Tech was way fun. we all went up to the cat walk to "clean up" i actually did a bit of tidying up...but then i joined everyone else trying on fun hats and fighting with plastic swords. mitch got me to try on a few. he actually found the one that looked best on me. it fit my accent. i felt like i belonged on the english country side. i found a stuffed animal puppy and held onto him. it completed the look brilliantly. then mitch came up behind me and put the fake sword to my throat. "if anyone moves she gets it!!" Sierra moved. my throat was slit and he backed off. we all laughed. Then when we were leaving, i had just turned off the lights so it was like pitch black and coulton jumped out at sierra and i (while sierra was trying to convince me to like mitch...little does she know) and we shrieked! then john did the same, and she saw him but i didn't, so i shreiked again. mitch tried to scare me too but i spotted him hiding behind a closet door and shut it on him. i ran off laughing. then he sneakily locked us all up there in the dark, but no one checked the dead bolt. he let us all out and pretened to be the hero for a bit. he told me what he did after we got out though =P
I learnt a lot about mitch's twin brotehr michael today...i saw him in the hall before spanish. i've never liked him much...he looks so dark...not in the clothes he wears, he doesn't dress goth or emo or anything...but he wears a hat all the time that darkens his face. when i saw him today he was eminating anger and hatred and was coming from the direction of the spanish room. he was so angry...at the end of spanish i learnt why...mitch pulled out the keys to his brother's truck. they share the ride home (now i know not to get my hopes up for a ride), but lately their mother entrusted the keys to mitch because michael has been skipping classes to go hang with his friends. he had math when we had spanish and wanted to leave. i could tell mitch was worried and ashamed for him. i'm worried too. his friends did this to him...i'm just glad mitch chose better ones. even if they are crazy enough to roll down a forever loon hill covered in 20 inches of snow wearing short sleeves for $5. mitch stayed at the bottom and watched. i watched through the lunch room windows...then the special ed kid stole my french fries. at least i still had my cookie!! this is the poor kid they have to pull along on a mankshift leish. he's pretty smart...it just doesn't show academically.
i found sooo many new bands i loovee!!! <3 i'm listening to one republic now. its amazing!! i have prianna to thank for them. i went on her facebook *like i do almost every day* and listened to a bunch of the artists she likes and ones related to them that i saw on the side of the page. ehehe.
i shoveled snow again. i'm getting stronger. i can lift anything with my little red shovel. i can also chop up ice and get the mail without falling on my face. i have to be good enough to do these things because i'm the only one who can...my very sick mother, 70yr old grandmother, and 11 yr old little brother aren't strong enough or balenced enough...i'm fine with the added responsibility, but glad to have my father home on the weekends to take it from me.
I went shopping yesterday. i went over to Annie's to give her annabelle's old stuff for her adorable cat chloe (her dog poco was the most excited about it though) and her mom invited me to go shoppin with them. i was as helpful as i could be but also bought a shirt from my new favorite store: maurice's. it's really cool! prianna would be proud of me. it's actually a tshirt, so i'll have to wait for summer to wear it, but it's way cool. its dark blue *hums song* with black and silver designs on the front. very indie. Then we went out to Olive Garden to eat. i ate sooo much salad. i couldn't eat much of the ravioli i ordered. we also got hot cocoa. yummm! It was soo fun...the only down side was her mom is a really scary driver. she would mess around on her moblie while going 60mph on the freeway right up next to a wall. the car swerved a lot...annie and i were tighly strapped in. i tried to shake my fear by making a paper crane with the chocolate wrapper from after dinner mint. we made it home ok. (obviously) i'm just glad the roads were dry.
it's like 11:18 PM. wow. somehow i'm not surprised. i've got a lot to do tomorrow so i should probably get going....bed is calling...i just don't want to go. i miss my old life...my old friends. sometimes jealously hits me. they seem so carefree...except school, of course, and i don't envy them for that, or overlook it. sometimes i wonder if they know just how good they've got it. i know i've got a good life, and it could be much worse, but it pales in comparison to my old life in so many respects. but...in some ways...this one is so much better...and even though i wish i could live without worrying about anyone else again, i know it just wouldn't be worth it. i don't want to be a spoilt brat again. it's bad enough that i'm spoilt. | | |
| well i've been working all weekend. i worked for a solid 12 hours yesterday. it was rough, but it had to be done. may i never procrastonate on another huge project again. it's almost done now... i just have to add a bit more onto my presentation and practice it. non-fiction book report. yuck.
i've been depressed, but i'm doing better. i've been having long philisophical discussions about life with a couple of college students...Larry and Jared (brandon's friend that i met a while ago). that's been the highlight of my weekend. if friends are defined by the amount of communication and support they give each other, than Jared is pretty much the best friend i've got right now. i can't take much more criticism...i mean, i was asked to complain and all i got was condemned and criticized for what i said. i love prianna, but sometimes, she hurts me too much. the feelings i'm going through with her are similar to what i went through with scott back in 8th grade. i know she doesn't mean it...but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. i don't expect my friends to help me and love me exactly as much as i do to them....all i want is a little piece back. just one small, insignificant seeming fraction of what i give. even if it's just a word or speanding 5 minutes talking to me...i don't care. i just want to know i'm still loved and still important to someone back home...because i'm anything but important to the people here. but, it's out of my control. there is nothing i can do.
anyway, now i have to go write a 3 minute speach on a book i skim-read. this should be interesting...
A warning sign
I missed the good part then I realized
I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses
Come on in
I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones
I started looking for a warning sign
When the truth is, I miss you
Yeah the truth is, that I miss you, so
A warning sign
You came back to haunt me and I realized
That you were an island and I passed you by
And you were an island to discover
Come on in
I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
When the truth is, I miss you
Yeah the truth is, that I miss you so
And I'm tired I should not have let you go
Ooooooooooooooooo
So I'll crawl back into your open arms
Yes I'll crawl back into your open arms
And I'll crawl back into your open arms
Yes I'll crawl back into your open arms
Warning Sign - Cold Play | | |
| I should be working. i got bored. now people can hear me typing like wild and think i'm being productive...not that anyone around cares particularly...my mother is in an exhausted stupor, my grandmother is getting ready for her friend's 90th birthday party, my father is shopping and getting the van fixed, and brandon is doing school related stuff or playing xbox in his room. if dallin cared it wouldn't matter because he's playing his ds and making a futile attempt to light a candle by blowing on the screen. its quite funny really...in a sad sort of way. i can feel alone sometimes. i'm listening to my ipod right now and all the lights are off. the winter sky is cloudy but still lets in some much needed light. dallin just stood up now. whenever he has trouble with something on his game or really gets into it he stands up and jumps around wildly yelling at it. at least he doesnt bite the screen now. good times.
i'm listening to you are the moon by the hush sound. it's such a sad song. i'm in a kind of reclusive, depressed mood.
"shattered surface, so imperfect, don't let you believe."
sometimes i just want to dance...but i really don't know how and i'm so off balance. i went through ballet and tap dancing to please my mother when i was younger, and i'm so glad i did. i know if i hadn't i probably wouldnt be able to walk two steps without tripping. gone are the days of pirouettes and pointed toes.
when have i ever done anything for myself? i guess i'm just not my focus in life. it reminds me of that old movie...it's a beautiful life. i don't want to become bitter...in putting my life on hold i will find a better life. i can be so blinded by sorrow that i miss the blessings that are staring me in the face. some days i just want to start running and never turn back. like i did back in september...i keep getting flashbacks of that day. the clouds were curving down around me like blackened claws. lightning struck down from one deadly finger...just before the rain came crashing down of my shattered world. i just kept running even though i didn't know where i was or if i was going the right direction. my mother thought she lost her cat and her daughter all in one week. i was so selfish in my misery. But that was the day i realized that i had to keep moving forward. As i was running i knew i couldn't go back to the comforting blue sky behind me. i ran head on into the storm out of choice. the only complete record of that story is hidden under piles of unopened emails in prianna's inbox. i have a feeling it'll stay that way for a very long time...perhaps forever. maybe this summer i'll dig it out and email it to myself. it'll have a better place posted in my blogs. i don't want to forget that life changing day that no one cared about.
there's something nice about heavy base when you're trying to drown everything out. it's best when heard through headphones so the small sound seems to grow as it reverberates through your skull and down to your frozen toes.
Everyone is home now. the noise has grown. the volume on my ipod is up. if my mood doesn't change i'll end up all alone on my bedroom floor tonight. it's sort of comforting for some reason. probably because i can't see just how much my grandmother is reflected in each piece of furniture, each insignificant trinket on my dresser and bedside table. she even took over the closet and mirror. when i get my own room again i'm going to paint my walls and arrange the furniture just how i want it to be. so that when i close the door behind me, i'll have my private oasis in the bitter world outside my window. the only decoration that belongs to me in 'my' room now is the small wallet sized picture of christ i have on her mirror. She's a wonderful grandmother, don't get me wrong...i just need my own space to be me in...maybe if she would let me be myself i wouldn't mind. She is very particular...but if i wont change to fit in at school then i wont change for her. it just wouldn't feel right.
i should go check up on my mom. she needs to take her medicine soon, and i've become a sort of unqualified nurse for her. i'll probably have to shovel the driveway again tonight too, so i should get to work on my project.
"So I walk up on high, and I step to the edge to see my world below. And I laugh at myself as the tears roll down; cause it's the world I know. It's the world I know. "
The World I Know ~ Collective Soul
When the door shuts
Don't worry about me
Its not attention that I want from you
I need you to trust who I'm gonna be
And in everything I'm going to do
Cause I'm not afraid
Of what I don't know
For understanding is all that I earn
What is for sure is I'm gonna to go
I'm gonna to live and I'm going to learn
And I know there will be mistakes that I will make
But I know none are worse than chances I don't take, take
Right before your eyes I am changing, changing
New life on the inside I am changing, changing
When the door shuts
Its shuts in front of me
A new person that I have become
I follow my heart to my destiny
But living in fear and sorrow is done
There will be no more feeling that I'm all alone
I will surround myself with things that help me grow, grow
Right before your eyes I am changing, changing
New life on the inside I am changing, changing
Right before your eyes I am changing, changing
New life on the inside I am changing, changing
Right before your eyes I am changing, changing
New life on the inside I am changing, changing
Right before your eyes
Right before your eyes
Right Before Your Eyes ~ Hoobastank | | |
| i spent the last hour changing my clothes, and doing my hair and makeup. it takes me an hour to get ready for the day and another to get ready for bed. that's kinda sad really, but i've learned to live with it.
i think that instead of writing two different entries for my xanga and LJ i'll just copy+paste the same one into both. then everyone can read it and i wont have spent like an hour and a half on my blogs. i have a real journal too so i don't need to take 2 hours out of my day to write about life. 1 is good.
i almost forgot to eat yesterday. i never thought that would happen to me. under stress i loose my appetite. it isn't really that great, seeing as i almost skipped breakfast...which should be the biggest meal of the day. if left home alone i usually forget to eat dinner instead and finally get hungry at like 10pm. what's happening to me? no wonder i've lost weight. food is still on my mind though (obviously) and i am self conscious about my size...i set up limits for myself to make sure i don't go annerexic or get some similar disorder. the lowest i'm going is 105lbs (and i don't really want to go down that far). why? because people who are too skinny are just as ugly as people who are obese. i want to be in the middle and right where i should be.
Brandon is annoyed with me. i don't think of myself as overly pretty. he told me that annie (his girlfriend) thinks i'm really pretty. i didn't want to seem full of myself or anything so i told him she's crazy. he just said "you're wrong. you're the crazy one." I already knew i was crazy. he wants me to accept my prettiness. i'm trying to find it. i've always thought it was more on the inside of me than on the outside. i mean, why else would only the not-so-cute guys like me? the cute ones just do what they can to torment me. or make me look like an overly smart geek to their friends. gah. school.
i can touch my eyes now. not full on, just in the corners. i think i'm almost ready to face the pain of getting my eyebrows done too. the next time i get my hair cut i might get the old but brilliant guy to do them. he offered last time, but i wasn't ready then. soon enough i will be. i hope to get contacts before my 16th too.
yesterday was very dull. i sat at the computer loosing reversi on my new phone. i can never win that game...the need too have extra easy and way too easy as difficulty levels. i think then i could win...maybe...
i did chat with Tingting for a bit. i think she's sad that amy is leaving. personally, i don't blame her for going. i'd get out of here too if i could. it's so hard. i think her main reason for going is that she thinks she's getting fat off the food, but so do all the exchange students. She'll be gone by the middle of january. then it'll just be me and Tingting again. i can talk to her better than i can to most people, but i still have a hard time keeping a conversation going. i lost that talent in the first few lonely months of my stay here. the life of a recluse is a hard one. i hope to break free of it soon. there have been good changes though...i hate the way i used to be. no matter how good i seemed, i was so shallow and i didn't understand the people i tried to help. how did i survive? i'm so much more faithful now. i pray so much i wonder sometimes if i'm being annoying...but i know i could never annoy Him by talking. no one can annoy a good friend by talking to them all day. especially the perfect friend. <3 | | |
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